In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen. Today we hear one of the Lord’s most beautiful parables, the parable of the sower. Our Savior begins, a sower went out to sow His seed. The seed He tells us is the Word of God.
The sower is Christ Himself. But the fruitfulness of the seed does not depend on the sower because He is perfect. It depends, rather, on the soil, on the condition of the human heart that receives it. Our Lord describes four kinds of soil, the heart path, the rocky ground, the thorny soil, and the good soil.
Every person here today is one of these types of soil. Each of us receives the same word, but the difference lies in the readiness of our heart to receive it. But today I want to speak especially to those of us who are parents, because God has entrusted us with a very sacred and important task to help prepare the soil of another, the hearts of our children. Christ sows the seed, but it is our responsibility to cultivate the soil, to make ready the hearts of our children to receive the Word, so that they may grow and mature into fruitful disciples of Christ.
St. John Christians said, “Having children is a matter of nature, but raising them and educating them in the virtues is a matter of mind and will.” In other words, anyone can bring a child into the world, but to form a child into a Christian is an act of will, an act of sacrifice, an act of faith. Too often we reduce parenting to providing food, shelter, clothing, education, and safety. These things are necessary, but they are not enough.
St. John points out that we spare neither labor nor expense to provide for the earthly care of our children, but we neglect to teach them the knowledge of God and the service of the Heavenly King. He continues that everything should take second place to raising our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Our goal is not to make our children rich, but to make them holy, not to make them comfortable, but to make them virtuous.
And this process starts very early, even before the child is born. St. Porfirio’s teachers, a large part of the responsibility for a person’s spiritual state, lies with the family. A child’s upbringing commences at the moment of its conception.
And St. Paisius adds, “If the parents pray and live spiritually, while the child is still in the womb, the child will be born sanctified.” Mother Gabriella of Holy Dormition Monastery once told us that the atmosphere during pregnancy matters greatly. The mother’s emotions, her prayer, her peace, or her anxiety leave an imprint on the soul of the child. Don’t be fooled by what the secular world tells us.
We don’t only give biological DNA. We give them spiritual DNA as well. The child is being formed by his parents, both physically and spiritually. The prayers of the father, his gentleness, his self-control, his love for the mother, all of these things create a spiritual climb into the home that the unborn child can benefit from and already sense before they’re born.
In the same way that a pregnant mother is told not to smoke, not to drink, not to lift heavy objects, she also must guard her heart from gossip, anger, swearing, anxiety. We take such care to protect the physical health of our children before they are born. But how much more should we care for their spiritual health? St.
Pais is recommend that a pregnant woman be calm, read the gospel, pray, say the Jesus prayer, chant, and that her husband do everything in his power not to upset his wife. The soul of the child is already being shaped by the mother’s heart and the father’s example by their prayers, their peace, their unity and their love for Christ. I remember when my wife was pregnant with our first son. I used to chant to him while he was still in the womb and after he was born while we were in the hospital, he began to cry as I was holding him in my arms.
I was gently rocking him back and forth trying to calm him and to soothe him, but nothing was working, then I began to chant. He immediately stopped crying, opened his eyes wide and was staring at me. He recognized the voice and the hymns that he heard before he was born. So children hear more than we think, not only with their ears, but with their hearts.
And then when our children are finally born, we bring them to the church after forty days to be baptized, Saint Philip of Moscow once said that as fallen human beings, all we can give our children is death. Christ himself said, “Unless one is born of water and the spirit he cannot enter the kingdom of God, that which is born of flesh is flesh and that which is born of spirit is spirit. If there is a physical birth, there must also be a spiritual one. We are born physically from our mother’s womb and spiritually from the womb of our mother, the Holy Church, through baptism.
And oftentimes people think that they fulfilled their spiritual obligation to their children once they baptized them. But this is only the beginning of their nurturing. To raise children Christ means to form them in virtue, to teach them love and forgiveness, patience, humility, obedience, and sacrifice. But this cannot be done without discipline and without prayer.“ Saint John Chrysism teaches that the spiritual neglect of children is one of the greatest sins.
He says, “If you don’t attentively wash their deeds, their acquaintances, and their attachments, you shouldn’t expect any mercy from God.” But discipline must be guided by discernment. There are parents who are so strict that they crush their children’s spirits and others who are so lenient that their children become lost. Both are wrong. There is a balance, a balance between providing and spoiling, between discipline and leniency, between being a helicopter parent and an indifferent one, allow me to make a few observations.
Many of us grew up with little. Our parents worked hard just to sustain us. And because of that, we appreciated what we had. We were respectful.
We learned responsibility. But now, those of us who had little often strived to give our children what we did not have, and we end up spoiling them. We give them everything, but they learn nothing. Love does not mean giving our children everything they desire, but teaching them to desire what is good and to value what truly matters.
I remember when I was in college, I asked my father for a car. When he came to visit me on campus, he saw many, many students riding bicycles. So instead of buying me a car, he bought me a bike. He didn’t spoil me or give me what I wanted.
He gave me what I needed. He used discernment. And that discernment became a lesson in obedience, humility, gratitude, simplicity. Some of the most important virtues we should strive to instill in our children.
Another important point I want to make. One place that I see many, many parents lacking in discernment is in their children’s use of technology, phones and tablets and smart devices. In our time, one of the greatest dangers is technology itself. We often give these things to our children way too early without discernment.
Remember, Adam and Eve ate from the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil when they were not ready. They were too young, they were immature, and in many ways this is what we are doing today. We are giving our children the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil before they are ready to handle it. Young people today have full access to the internet.
They are seeing and watching things they are not ready for. At an Orthodox parenting seminar I once attended, a priest was asked, “At what age do you recommend we give our children phones?” His answer shocked many. He said, “At what age do you want them to be exposed to pornography?” His point was clear. We must protect the innocence of our children and guard their purity until they are spiritually strong enough to discern between what is good and what is evil.
An issue of technology is not just about pornography or lustful things. It is also about the overwhelming amount of information available to children, things beyond their ability to process spiritually and emotionally. When the mind is filled with knowledge but without wisdom, it becomes proud. We start to think we are so smart, so advanced, so enlightened that we separate ourselves from our Creator who gave us our mind in the first place.
Rather than living simply and quietly, we fill our children and our homes with unnecessary information and noise, and we end up complicating and confusing our lives and their lives as well. Another place I see a lack of discernment. Sometimes our problem is not that we neglect our children, but that we defend them when we shouldn’t. Many parents today make the mistake of rushing to defend their children even when they are in the wrong, before they know the full story, before they seek the truth.
My child would never do this. You have it all wrong. This instinct comes out of love, but it is a misguided love. A misguided love that blinds rather than enlightens.
Saint John Chrysosum warns, “How many parents there are who do not want to take upon themselves this labor of correcting their unsubmissive and unruly children? They are as if afraid to upset their children, and what is the outcome? Their disorder increases.” When we shield our children from correction, we teach them the truth and accountability don’t matter, but real love corrects, real love humbles. To defend our children in their wrongdoing is to make an idol of them.
And when we do this, we don’t help them or protect them, we fail them. Saint Porphyrios once said, “Children are not edified by constant praise. They become self-centered and vain. All their lives, everyone to praise them constantly, even if they are being told lies.” We all desire to do better for our children, but sometimes in trying to give them everything, in trying to protect them, in trying to defend them, we take away the very lessons and struggles that could help shape and mold them.
Our goal in raising our children is to find the middle ground that allows for them to grow and mature in a spiritually healthy way. Brothers and sisters, the most powerful way to cultivate the soil of our children’s heart is by our own example. Children learn far more from what they see in us than from what they hear from us. St.
Theophon the recluse writes, “The spirit of faith and piety of the parents should be regarded as the most powerful means for the preservation of bringing and strengthening of the life of grace in children.” In other words, the surest way to cultivate holiness in our children is to live holy lives ourselves. The father is the spiritual head, the priest of the home responsible for the salvation of his family, the mother is the heart, the nourisher, the one who sanctifies through her love and prayer. In my experience as a priest, the temperament of children often reflects that of their parents. St.
John Chrysostom says, “Children acquire the carer of their parents. They are formed in the mold of their parents’ temperament. They love the same things their parents love and they work for the same ends.” In order for parents to raise good children, they must, above all, love each other. They need to model to their children how to love God and how to love their fellow man.
St. Porphyrios says that the secret to good parenting is for parents themselves to radiate holiness and to inspire goodness. He asks, “What does your child see in you? How do you live and what do you radiate?
Does Christ radiate in you?“ That is what is transmitted to your child. This is where the secret lies. When children see how their parents love each other, respect each other, sacrifice for each other, it makes all the difference in the world as we raise them. Let me end by saying a quick word on the importance of prayer in raising our children.
Without prayer, our efforts remain only human. But with prayer, our efforts are given divine power and grace. St. Porphyrios advises that we should speak less to our children about God and speak more to God about our children.
This must pray every day for their children, and we must teach them to pray at home and in church. Our children will not love prayer unless they see us praying. There is nothing great our parents can do than pray for their children. St.
Paisius once said, “When mothers pray, hell trembles. The most dangerous person on earth is a praying mother. Is your child getting in trouble often? Are they struggling in some way?
Are they spiritually lost? Are they away at school and you worry for them? Don’t despair. Pray.“ St.
Porphyrios also says, “Every time you say, “Lord, have mercy on my child,” your child receives one good thought from Christ. Do you see the profound effect your prayer can have on your child? Every single tear shed in prayer on their behalf can water their soul wherever they may be. So my beloved family, let us learn to cultivate the soil of the hearts of our children, not by our mere words, but by prayer, by measure discipline, and by our example, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen.